Bravery starts with a wish...

There is something about a pen and a piece of paper that gives me the courage to say things that I could never muster up in reality. Like telling the ones you love, that you love them with your entire being. Or that seeing their heart break into a million pieces shatters you to the very core. That their grief weighs on you like a ton of bricks. 

And there are things you want people to know, that flow out so much more eloquently on a page of your favorite notebook. I get those inklings to scribble down a phrase of ramblings, and I hope someday I have the bravery to say those out loud. I hope someday to tell him how proud I am of who he is becoming and how lovely it was to know him. I hope I get to tell her how she single handedly saved me from myself. I want to tell him how he showed me that real men existed, the kind that swoop in, hold your hand, and buy you a giant scoop of ice cream to make the day seem bearable. I want to tell her how her infectious laughter and encouragement pales in comparisons to her ability to make people feel known and loved. I want to thank him for being exactly what I needed when all that was, was a companion to watch terrible red box movies with. When he wanted so much more and I had nothing to give, but he stayed and he showed up. I want to tell her how envious I am of her ability to be a listening ear and the most generous person I've ever met. 

And maybe someday I'll have the guts to be honest and tell the people that love me that I wish I could love them more in return. I wish I could be the person they need and miss and cherish. I want to be that kind of person. And I'm trying. 

But life throws your wrenches, and just when you think you're getting somewhere the ground falls out from underneath you. Your giant plans and beautiful dreams unfold in ways that you could never direct or arrange. Grit and grime sticks to your heart and grief can relapse as well as any drug. Nostalgia is a beauty and a beast. It can wreck any strength you think you carry, and it will if you let it. 

Currently, I'm on an airplane. Flying over a string of mountains on my way to the coast. I'm hoping to escape and reflect and grow. And today I'm "that girl". You know the kind. I'm the one that's reading a book sitting next to two crying babies. I've got my earbuds glued tight and filling every inch of my attention span with sad love songs. I'm soaking in whatever I can from this book that's continually wrecked and inspired me at the same time. Soon we'll be landing. And I'll have a week of breathing in the salty air. One full week away from work and my constantly full calendar that I hold closer to me than most. And I hope this week turns into something more. I hope to be something different. That's a big hope for one week, an expectation most likely entirely too large to be fulfilled. But, I'm going to dream that big today because I can. 

So here's to adventure and learning how to be brave. Here's to hoping and dreaming of becoming something more. 

Two years.

Two years ago, today, I made the second best decision I have ever made.
    I moved to Texas.

At 9am I packed the last couple of things into my little '00 Saturn sedan, Stella, and I was saying the hardest goodbyes I've ever said. I never knew driving down that street would be so hard. It felt like I was losing a limb. The things that haunted me, the memories that followed me like a ghost. I left them all behind.

It was for the best. I stand by that.

I cried until I saw the Oklahoma border. I cried about leaving the city I've always loved. I cried for the people I would miss. I cried about missing their big life moments. They would marry the people they love, and I would miss watching them fall in love. I wan't going to see them have children, buy their first homes, and settle into the rhythms of life. I wasn't going to be a part of their story. They would move on with their lives, without cupcake dates and late nights at the Saucer.

It was for the best. I knew it would be.

And here I am, on a rainy and cold March morning, still in Texas. Two years have passed and I would not have traded the past two years for anything. Yes, my heart still aches for the people that know the worst parts of me and loved me anyways. The ones that saved the little life I had when I was the worst version of myself. I don't think I'll ever stop missing them. I still miss my city, and I visit it as often as I can. I miss cupcake dates and late nights at the Saucer.

It was for the best. I know it.

In two years I have experienced so much joy, so much life. I have found new little places to call home, and a few dozen coffee shops. Most importantly, I have found my people. I can't begin to express the gratitude I have for the people that have let me fall into their lives. The grace, love, and support that my TX friends have shown me makes me feel like the luckiest girl in the world.

It was for the best. It was!

My year of strength...

2014, I can't believe it's over. What a year full of bravery and ridiculousness. Looking back, it feels like the craziest dream. In 2014 I resolved to do seven things, and I'm glad to say I met 6 of my 7 resolutions.
It was a year for adventure and discovery. I lived the entire calendar year in Texas. I got a big kid job, went to my first music festival, bought my first real car, became a Texas resident, read more books, dreamed a little bigger, let my heart loose a bit more. I moved into a house and took a roadtrip home just for real BBQ and a royals game. I made new friends, sang my heart out, and became a little more brave.

2015 looks promising so far, and I'm going to deem it a year of strength. 


I resolve to...
1. Read even more. I want to dig into a few classics this year, and even thought my dream of reading a book per week failed about three months in, I want to keep that dream alive. I feel so much more productive when I focus less on a screen and more on the open book in front of me. I carry one with me wherever I go, and I want to keep that up. I resolve to read at least 12 new books that challenge my mind and heart.

2. Work on my bravery. Although I focused on bravery last year, I want to keep it a priority. I want to be more bold when it comes to life. Maybe this year I'll learn how to ride a bike or I'll get in a pool more than once. (This sounds ridiculous, but I'm just such a wuss).

3. Be a better friend. I want to work on mercy and compassion this year. I want to not be so icy and abrasive. Although I don't have a lot of faith in this resolution, I would really like to see it shape me into a better person. I tend to be sharp with the people I love entirely too often.

4. Write more. I want to finish a song, and write more in my journal. I miss it, and I miss making time to myself matter. Netflix is stealing my brain, and I need it back.

5. Be strong. I want 2015 to be a year of strength. I'm turning 25 this year, and I'd really like to say that at 25 I could stand up for myself and for the things I believe. The strength I want to find rests more in the hands of God than anything else. I would really love to be the kind of person that is unwavering, consistent, and less conditional in my relationships. I want to be more solid and feel less like an aimless tornado in life.

6. Budget better. I just bought a new(to me) car, and I plan on moving again this spring. It can all happen, and I don't have to be tight.... As long as I get a handle on my budget and plan. I've called my dad and he crunched those numbers like nobody's business, and it's time to put the plan into action.

7. Let go. I want to be less bitter this year. I want to stop focusing so much on pleasing other people and just be. I want to be a more confident and free. Here's to hoping my rule-following self can just learn to live a little and hold on to less heartache.

So, cheers to your new year and your resolutions. Let's make 2015 a year to be proud of.
Love,
Cass

Should I stay, or should I go?

Well, hello dear friends. It has been quite awhile. 

Since my last post, I have avoided my blog as if it was the plague. I have, also, equally avoided my journal and solid, introspective alone time. I have wasted countless days focusing on my season of turmoil and doing absolutely nothing about it. (Alright, my moment of confession is over.)

Here it goes.  
       I finally decided to stay in Texas.

On the easy days I think about my KC friends about a million and one times. Although I miss them dearly (and it breaks my heart that they're moving forward with their lives), it would absolutely shatter me to leave the community I have here. Moving back to KC would be too easy, too comfortable, and I would still feel like I was starting all over again. 

Texas is a place I chose to be, even as halfheartedly as I did. And although my friends at home have been through it all with me (and I ache to be known that way again, someday), my Texas friend-family is learning about my obnoxious diva ways, weird insecurities, and past in a way that feels uncomfortable and awkward at best. However, I know that this is when God has always moved mountains in my life. This uncomfortable and uneasy feeling deep in my chest tells me that this is where God can really use me. These feelings have been present at the most pivotal moments of my life. They are the same feelings that have led me to the most wonderful gifts; to my best friends, my favorite memories, and most importantly to an ever changing growth in the grace and mercy of Christ. 

It is a completely indescribable mix of feelings. For your sake, I'll try to narrow it down to a few.
      It's a mix of wonderment, adventure, challenge, confidence, doubt, and absolute fear. 

Somehow, I know that this is the right place for me. I just know it. It's been placed on my heart and it's not going away. Yes, I rationalized moving here with the promise of new musical endeavors and a clean slate. No, it looks absolutely nothing like I imagined. 

It is so much better and so much harder. I am so thankful it is nothing like what I had planned.

My fears remain, and I'm still as stubborn as ever. I've not changed that much. But, this place is worth all the loneliness. I have nothing to lose here, and everything to gain. The people I've met and befriended have absolutely been the greatest part of the journey. I cannot begin to dote on them enough. In fact, I could rave about their support and willingness to handle my ridiculous amount of sass. It would break my heart to leave them, just like it broke my heart to leave KC. When it came down to it, I just couldn't bring myself to leave what I have.

This isn't my forever home, but neither is this earth. 
So maybe, for me, it's about learning to live this life wherever God puts me. 
After all, isn't that the goal? 

Beginning the Challenge.

Book 1 of 52 wasn't even on my list. It was handed to me, and I'm confident it was a total "God-thing."

God is Able

by Priscilla Shirer

I couldn't find it in me to put this book down. It was a quick, easy-read, and a very inspiring book to start my challenge. 

It breaks down Ephesians 3:20-21, each chapter focusing on a single word or a small phrase, to showcase the ability and glory of God in the little things. I've always believed God is good, even in the darkest days, I knew His plan was always ultimately good. God's ability to move, I never doubted, as long as it wasn't actually in my life. I've seen true poverty, in America and across the globe. I know there are huge aches in this world, and I believe that God will restore them for His glory. However, often I forget that God can heal my aches. He can heal my heart. It is just that simple. He has the ability to move in my life, just like in the lives of others, and He wants to.

Priscilla Shirer had my attention in the very first chapter...

"You feel like you've done everything you can think of. And honestly, you're starting to seriously wonder if God can do this, if He can do... it. You'd like to think He can. And if you were to spout all your churchy rhetoric, it'd sure sound like you believe He can. But deep down- down where your soul pulses with doubt and uneasiness- you wonder about that circumstance, that life issue, that dilemma you're facing. God may be able to keep the stars in the sky, the earth tilted on it's axis, and the heavens hung in glorious array. But can He do this?" 

Texas has been tough lately. I am very thankful for the community that I have here. However, I have struggled with some serious bouts of homesickness and loneliness lately. I just really needed to read this book in this season. I found myself completely relating to Shirer, because like her, I grew up in the church. I've been an active part of ministry since before I can really remember. I forget that the church and God's work is for me too. That I am equally sinful and in need of an immeasurable amount of rescuing. I've never gone a day without, but that doesn't mean that my aches are without pain. I forget, too easily, that God saved me and that He continues to every single day. 

.....

So, read this book, or read Ephesians.  

24: My book list.

Alright, here's my reading list for my 24th year.
So far, I've split my book list into 7 weird sections.


"Hubub" - books that people can't seem to stop talking about

          Gone Girl by Gillian Flynn
          An Object of Beauty by Steve Martin
          What She Saw by Lucinda Rosenfeld
          The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao by Junot Diaz
          Cat's Eye by Margaret Atwood
          The Quiet American by Graham Greene
          The Recognitions by William H. Gaddis
          White Noise by Don DeLillo
          My Antonia by Willa Cather
          Thirteen Reasons Why by Jay Asher
          The Body of Christopher Creed by Carol Plum-Ucci
          I Wrote This For You by Pleasefindthis
       
"Classics" - books I should have read in high school/college

           The Bell Jar by Slyvia Plath
           A Farewell to Arms by Ernest Hemingway
           The Beautiful & Damned by F. Scott Fitzgerald
           A Tree Grows in Brooklyn by Betty Smith

"Heart" - books that challenge my faith, encourage creativity and inspire life

           Letters To A Young Poet by Rainer Maria Rilke
           The Tangible Kingdom by Hugh Halter
           The Screwtape Letters by C.S. Lewis
           Steal Like An Artist by Austin Kleon
           Life Together by Dietrich Bonhoeffer

"Mind" - books that challenge my mind/teach me

          The Tipping Point by Malcolm Gladwell
          Me Talk Pretty One Day by David Sedaris
          Spark by John J. Ratey
          Blink by Malcolm Gladwell
          The Destiny Decade by Meg Jay
          Tribes by Seth Godin
          Smart Kids, Bad Schools by Brian Crosby
          Outliers by Malcolm Gladwell
          Quiet: The Power of Introverts by Susan Cain

"Growth" - books for 20-somethings & wanders like myself

           Girls In White Dresses by Jennifer Close
           Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin
           Necessary Errors by Caleb Crain
           Let's Pretend This Never Happened by Jenny Lawson
           I Was Told There'd Be Cake by Sloane Crosley
           Lean In by Sheryl Sandberg
           MWF Seeking BFF by Rachel Bertsche
           Storyline by Donald Miller
          A Million Miles in A Thousand Years by Donald Miller
          Packing Light by Allison Vesterfelt
          Daring Greatly by Brene Brown
          Love Does by Bob Goff

"Culture" - books by/about celebrities

           I'm Proud of You by Tim Madigan
           Bossypants by Tina Fey
           Someday, Someday, Maybe by Lauren Graham
           Seriously... I'm Kidding by Ellen DeGeneres
           Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me? by Mindy Kaling
           Are You There Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea by Chelsea Handler

"The Journey" - roadtrips/destinations/coming-of-age stories

           On the Road by Jack Kerouac
           Just One Day by Gayle Forman
           First Love by James Patterson
           The Final Country by James Crumley
          



In the next few weeks I'll be seriously considering giving this up as I figure out how much this goal is going to cost me. This is going to be a commitment. Honestly, it's probably the biggest commitment, thus far, of my life. (I'm not sure if I should be excited, terrified, or anxious)

I'll be starting the first week of April. Wish me luck.

Getting ahead of myself...

In less than two months I'll be turning 24. Seeing as I tend to make a much larger deal of my birthday than most, I decided this year should be no exception.

So, in true pre-birthday celebration I have decided to go ahead and set my goals for the year. Alright, maybe it's a little early to start and a little redundant because we just got over the new years resolution mode. I guess I just am too excited, and maybe a little too type A, to wait to share about my year.

Here are a couple examples of my birthday goals.

22 was all about health.
I (attempted) to train for a half-marathon. I got up to 7 miles and quit. Training was ultimately too time-consuming. I tried to keep up with 3 miles, 3 times a week and mostly succeeded. Also, I ran in a couple 5ks with friends. I went Dairy-free for seven months (until I just had to have ice cream). I kicked my acid reflux in the tail!

23 was: the year of Jordan (also known as the year of magic)
I started out by visiting Chicago with my friends Amanda & Cherise and seeing my first ever NBA game. Obviously, I had to see the Bulls play Lebron. Shortly after my return from my very first adult vacation I moved south, to Texas, to pursue life and wonderful things. Texas has been a dream even on the hardest of days. 23 has been and continues to be a year full of dreams.



I want 24 to be a year of growth.
I want to push my mind and body. I want to read a book a week. Reading inspires me to write and think about things I would usually ignore. Reading also improves my lifestyle. It encourages me to live out dreams and my faith, become a better person, and be a little ridiculous in the meantime.

So, in order to make that happen I need a little help.
I need a few more book recommendations.... (at least 14 more)
Pretty please leave me a few ideas... I'll post my final book list on my 24th birthday.

2014: A year of bravery and ridiculousness

2013 was a year of adventure, growth, and constant struggle.

There really isn't a better way to describe this year than an endless ride on the struggle bus. As silly as that sounds, just imagine the constant attitude adjustments and arising issues on a "struggle bus." That was 2013. It was good, but it was one of the more difficult years in my life thus far. I moved away from home, for real, for the very first time. That alone has proved itself to be the best and most challenging decision I have ever made. I can say, with great pride, that I fulfilled each of my resolutions.

I had the opportunity to return home to bring in the new year, and am absolutely thrilled that I was able to do so. I've missed Kansas City, and I needed to see a few familiar faces. I tried to remain rather unplugged while I was home, which resulted in little proof that I left Texas in the first place. So, finally, I'm able to share my resolutions so that you can be an active part of my new year.

Here we go.
     Each year I make seven resolutions.

The qualifications for my resolutions are:
1) It must be realistic
2)The degree of success must be irrelevant. (I operate on a pass/fail system for my resolutions)
3) It must challenge my worldview

In 2014, I resolve to be BOLD and ridiculous. I want to be brave.

I resolve to....

1) Explore Texas.
I want to spend quality time discovering Dallas, especially downtown this summer. I want to know the burbs like the back of my hand. I want to see more of Houston and Austin. I want to visit new cities too, get to know Texans, and see what the big fuss is all about. (I love this place so far, but I've seen very little of it)

2) Be bold in my relationships.
I want to take more initiative and invite acquaintances to become friends. I used to be like that, and I want more of that in my life. I want to know no strangers. I also want to be able to stand up for myself in a more positive way. I want to be able to set boundaries and draw lines to guard my heart. I want to be a better friend and a more caring stranger.

3) Dream Bigger.
I'm not much of a dreamer. I'm more of a planner and accomplish-er. I tend to fly by the seat of my pants when it comes to the "what's next" in life. I want to believe big and wonderful things can and will happen. I want to be a more wishful and positive person. I need to explore the good and dwell less on the worst case scenarios.

4) Move.
It doesn't have to be across the country again, maybe it will be just across town. I love where I am, but I know that the time is coming. I can feel it in my bones. Something big is going to happen soon and it's time to take chances and struggle a little bit more on my own.

5) Love on the people that matter in my life more.
I want to be more intentional with the free time that my current job allows. I want to keep up with what is going on in the lives of the people that matter to me. I want my friends to feel cherished and cared for.

6) Make my alone time matter.
Lately, I've found myself alone a lot more often than I would like. I want to make that alone time matter. I want to spend more time growing in my personal relationship with the Lord and less time napping. I want to be less lazy and more purposeful.

7) Be ridiculous.
Smart, careful, but ridiculous. I want to have fun. I want to go new places with new people and just enjoy my life. I want to feel like I'm in my 20s with the whole world in front of me. I want to always be exploring, learning, and full of joy. I want the old parts of me that were good to come back and be even better. I want to want big things for myself. I want to be all-in more often.


So, there ya go folks. There's my seven.
I'm wishing and praying all the best things for you as the new year unfolds.


May 2014 challenge you in the best possible way.

Update:

As most of you know, I left Kansas City to intentionally pursue music. I wanted more opportunities and experiences. I wanted to live a dream and be a part of something that actually felt larger than life. 

Texas has not disappointed. 

Within a month I was involved in worship music at a local church, had a wedding gig with my stupidly talented roommate, and somehow ended up forming a band. Seems like a joke, right? Nope. That is my life. That's why I don't work a 9-5 in an office. That's exactly why I moved here. 

So, a few weeks ago, my very first friend in Texas asked me to be a part of an EP he was releasing. It was a fantastic opportunity, and folks, this EP is wonderful. Originals, an old hymn, a little classic & hipster mixed together and I knew I would like it. However, I did not expect to love it. I thought I might really love only a couple songs, but friends, it blew my piddly expectations right out of the water. 

Anthony Celia did a fantastic job at mixing and operating all of the ridiculousness. 

Jake played that banjo like a dream. 

...and Daniel, that ol' boy, is just plain talented. 

The great news is, you can download it for free on Noisetrade. HERE. 

So, go check it out.

        Download it. Share it. Leave him a tip. 

& if nothing else, give it a listen. 



*the tip, on Noisetrade, goes towards Daniel's salary as a worship minister. So if you love it, please, leave a little love.  

This Christmas

This year I get to spend Christmas alone. 

I think it might be the most real Christmas I'll ever have. 

I secretly love the holiday season (I guess it's not so secret anymore). When it comes to the traditional holiday spirit I may seem like a complete Scrooge. In reality, I'm just not so fond of the traditional Christmas. I don't really like the idea of giving gifts because you feel a sense of obligation. I would much rather receive something thoughtful on a random Tuesday in September. Christmas, for me, isn't about the presents at all. It's something much greater, and it's truth always seems to fall through the cracks. 

Traveling is something I love, so you'd think that the opportunity for holiday parties all over the place would be something I cherish. Sadly, it's become absolutely something I hate during the season. When I travel I want to see and experience new things. I want to eat new, weird food, and go non stop. The holiday season seems to be all about sitting still in a room full of family. At first glance that seems great, but if that means driving five hours, or even thirty minutes, to sit in a house full of people that I don't have a relationship with the other 51 weeks of the year, count me out. I'm not saying I hate my family. I don't. I absolutely love them, and always want the absolute best for them. However, on a good holiday I'll find one or two things to talk to any of them about. I am very much the black sheep. I live a very different life, and I believe in very odd ways. I also really dislike debating and defending the things that I love. (No one appreciates constantly defending their personhood and beliefs). The only traditional Christmas that sounds appealing would be to have a whole Christmas Day to spend with my parents and siblings in the home I grew up in. Even as wonderful as that sounds, it's still not what Christmas is about. 

Christmas isn't about us.

It's not about presents. It's not even about giving them.  

It's not about the food or the general spirit of the holiday season. 

It's not about who we do or don't spend it with. 

It's about Christ's coming.  

So this Christmas, when I'm alone in my little apartment in Texas, hundreds of miles away from my family, I plan to rest in the grace I'll never be able to earn and dwell on the eternal gift I'll never deserve.

It's nearly Christmas...

I haven't posted since September 1st. It feels like nothing and everything has happened in days since. 

It's been a rough fall to say the least. 

Living away from home has been harder than I imagined and also insanely more rewarding. 

First, Stella (my car) decided that she absolutely hated it here and wanted to die. Sounds dramatic? Well, she had been giving me trouble for awhile and the day came when she just stopped. I was on the side of the road, alone, and on my way to work from the grocery store. According to the mechanic it was a cocktail of errors that caused her to come to a complete halt. Her serpentine belt snapped and the alternator died. I called my dad right away, and I just lost it. I snapped. I felt like I had absolutely no one to call and was a million miles away from anyone I could depend on. My dad walked me through it step by step. 

1. Call the tow guy who helped me out a couple weeks prior when she died in the whole foods parking lost.

2. Call the garage and let them know she's on the way in

3. Call for a ride to work

4. Go to work 

5. Relax

Seems simple, but the whole relax bit does not come easy to a high stress, uptight, control freak like myself. I kept losing it all day: when customers would ask about my day, when I had to call a friend for a ride home from work, when I realized I had to fly home in two days instead of driving, when I got home from work and saw that the groceries I bought were exactly what I didn't want to eat, when my bestfriend texted to check in randomly, when I looked at my impossibly full schedule and realized I had no way to get ANYWHERE, and finally when I broke down and called both my parents. I just lost it. I don't lose it often, and I just could not regain my composure. I ended up crying myself to sleep and woke up with swollen eyes and a whole new set of transportation issues. So, we fixed her up the best we could, but soon (crossing fingers) she will be replaced. 

Second, I began the hunt for a new job. Financially, I was making ends meet, but I had nothing leftover to be generous with or spend on going anywhere outside of the grocery store and work. It was becoming pretty evident that the whole car issue could no longer be pushed aside and I needed to really start plugging away at savings and my student loans. So, I started hunting. Dallas is huge, and the metro is nearly six times KC so the supply so jobs seemed unlimited. I started praying that God would lead me into the right job, to be able to provide for myself and maintain a lifestyle that would make it possible to do the thing I moved here to do (to grow and do more with music). I woke up with an unimaginable peace about the entire situation after a few days of searching. I talked to the owner of the coffee shop the following week, and ba-da bing I got promoted to manager. (There were about a million conversations and hiccups in between, but everything just started to fall into place). I love my job at Saxbys. I love everything about working in a coffee shop. The job allows me to do the things I love: meet and serve people from all walks of life, work with friends, and travel to spend time with the ones I love. I've had the opportunity to attend several out of town weddings, sing regularly at the drop of a hat, and enjoy making new friends. Recently,  I've had the opportunity to see new cities (Palestine and Austin) and explore new parts of Texas. 

Lastly, this fall has pushed me into dealing with issues that have been shelved for quite some time. The Lord is constantly pushing me into the hard places and forcing me to grow. It's been terribly draining, but ultimately it has been exactly what I have needed. I have been introduced to people that I know I will be friends with for the remainder of my life.

Everything and nothing has changed. 

I'm still working at Saxbys. 

I still live with married people (which is weird).

I'm still single. (Little to no complaints about that.. )

I still have student loans and bills and grow up things thrown at me.

But, there is forward motion, and that makes it a little bit easier to get up out of bed in the morning. 

Update: Texas

It's been quite some time since I've updated my friends & family about the journey I'm on in Texas.
So, today, I'll do my best to remedy that.


I have been avoiding my blog for a long time. Most days I convince myself that nothing really looks very different, and on the others I find myself making up excuses to avoid the fact that I live so far away from so many people and places that I love. Never, in my life, have I ever felt homesick.
Now, I have to revise that statement.

I am homesick.

Not the type where I want to pack up and go home at this very instance, but definitely in a tangible way. I actually miss Kansas City. I miss Redeemer, the Plaza, Westport, Ponak's, & obviously the Flying Saucer. It's hard to believe I'm missing SantaCaliGon Days this year. Obviously,  I miss my best friends. I miss that my life could be compartmentalized by the job I was working, the circles of friends I was with, and even the suburb I decided to be in for the day. I miss having options on where to be for the weekend or who to spend it with. I miss my bubble.

I still love Texas.

I know it's where I need to be right now. I need to grow, here, on my own. I need to know how to develop new circles and reach out. Most of all, I need to learn how to let people reach out towards me. It's good for me to be here, it's best. I know this because I'm constantly being pushed, even beat, into what I want to become. It's the hard way, but it's going to be worth it. I believe that with my whole heart.

I get to live out dreams here. I get to grow. 

Someday, I just work a measly five hour shift as a barista. I spill milk and I still absolutely suck at making cappuccinos. Other days, I manage to work the same shift after a morning full of errand running and then somehow end up singing on a patio stage with some of the most fantastic musicians I've ever come across. I get to hangout with solid new friends and enjoy a new brew. I get to live a life that I've always imagined on those days. They make all the rainy Mondays worth it. Those days make going to Ikea and lunch alone completely worth it.

New things, big decisions are constantly being thrown in my direction. 

Being challenged to become the best me is worth the struggle and frustration. 

Be You.

It's funny how five year olds can be the best people we know.


My dear friend Jade, a fantastic mother of four at the ripe age of 24, has (along with her hubs) raised a wonderful bunch of kiddos. They are sweet, genuine, unique. All the good things kids can be, with I'm sure their fair share of tantrums and tears. (Luckily, I've never had to witness any of that.) Anyways...

Jade's eldest daughter, who I call Lady Mack, is a total sweetheart. Tonight, she relayed some fantastic advice in regards to boys and life.

"Daddy says when you feel pretty, make sure the gentleman holds the door for you. And if he picks you a daisy he'll be your best buddy." 

 Lady Mack is right, her dad is right. Feel pretty, be confident, and never settle for less than the best.

.....

I think for the first time in my life I'm not afraid to be that. Of course, I have my moments and my occasional days (or weeks) when life seems rough and I feel little and insignificant. I do not think those days will ever cease to exist. Still, I feel brave. There is no one else to give the credit to, than God himself. For creating the state of Texas, the people I have met here, and all of the things in life that have brought me here. This move continues to be the best idea ever placed in my head by the big man upstairs. Sure, it's hard. Absolutely, I miss my friends at home and going out for dinner with my fam or the entire group of loving people that have become family through the years. Still, I am so glad to be here and to be challenged daily with being myself.

I just spent a solid hour chatting with Audra (one of my roommates) about just that. It's amazing how different I feel than even two months ago. Never have I ever felt brave before, I am the biggest pansy I know (hence, the pansy adventures). Never, ever have I had the courage to just be the same in front of whatever audience surrounds me. There are so many people in my life that have always encouraged me to be myself, but I have never once taken them seriously. That is, until now. It's simple really.

Be you. Regardless.
Be genuine. Regardless.
Be transparent. Regardless

Some people will love you. Some will not.
Some people will open doors, pick daisies and do things "just because." Some will not. 
Life continues.  Never settle for treatment less than you deserve.

It's easier said than done. I know that full well.

Quaker Steak and Lube

This whole growing up thing absolutely rocks on occasion. 

Thursday night was one of those occasions. 

Our friend, Daniel, set up a gig at Quaker Steak and Lube (a local eatery of sorts). Daniel kindly asked for Aud and I to join him (and his roommate Jake).

We show up and immediately see the ton and a half of bikers. Apparently we missed the memo. After settling in and setting up we began the night with one of our favorite Mumford songs. No matter the crowd, we were determined to have a great time. And we did! So great in fact that I literally wanted to live-tweet the words of one of the dynamic fans we acquired.

                                                                                                                                        

Singing with Daniel & Jake on Good Friday

Music here is so good and has come so easy. Singing with complete strangers is terrifying and exhilarating  at the same time. I definitely miss knowing the musicians beside me, but this has definitely been a nice change of pace. 

Don't get me wrong, playing music in Missouri was life-changing. I have been blessed to know and sing alongside very talented people in my lifetime. But this, my friends, is a completely new ball park. I sing different here. I sing better. Regardless of my lack of confidence, I feel like I have absolutely nothing to lose. And that, that is a wonderful feeling. 

This is a wonderful life. 
I am looking forward to many more shows with these kids. 






Here's our cover of The Head and the Heart's "Rivers and Roads" 
                (For some reason it's not wanting to load, so please follow this link.. )
  

This place is better than I could have hoped for. 

I have to believe that the best days are to come. 

This season of indescribable bliss is one for the record books, and it was much needed. 

Texas peace.

Texas is a dream.

If you've seen any of my posts on any social networking sites you probably are under the impression that all I do is eat and indulge in ridiculousness. It seems like every day there is something going on, and it's nice for someone like me that thrives in the chaos. But, Texas is so much more than that.

Texas is a dream come true.

Everything about this place is weird. (I mean that in the nicest possible way). It's comforting and terrifying at the same time. It feels foreign and like a home away from home. I feel so grown up here. Never in my life did I imagine being 23 and living states away from my entire family and the majority of my friends. Never in my life did I imagine being happy working a minimum wage job and lollygagging around with strangers, but here I am. Here, I am happy and I feel this weird peace about everything I do.

I've always been an independent soul, only really feeling like I rely on my dad to come save the day on occasion. Here, I am confident and it's so strange. Don't get me wrong, I still struggle all the time. I still struggle with feeling alone and bitter on a daily basis. The Lord is still teaching me about my identity in Him and the irrational worldly fears that seem to control my life. He is faithful and He is good. I feel myself becoming my best version here. Everything I do feels bolder here. I am so much more sure of myself because I know The Lord desired me to be here. I know I could never do this on my own. I am thankful for His guidance and His wisdom more than I can put into words.

There is a calm peace in my heart because I know that I am exactly where I am supposed to be.

Even on my rough days here, which there have been, my struggles seem so much easier. It's weird because I made myself a great community in Kansas City that I miss so dearly. Here, I am the newb everywhere I go. I am usually the third, fifth or seventh wheel. Still, the people here are fantastic and I am so thankful for the genuine souls I have already met. They have welcomed me into their lives and homes. Still there are days when I am feeling alone and surrounded by strangers, I am learning that The Lord is enough. These lessons will be ones to last a lifetime. They are all good battles to fight, especially while I have few responsibilities in life. I have nothing tying me to any one place. I am thankful for that. The world feels small and welcoming. I want to continue to explore and learn all the days of my life.

Texas feels like a good place to start. 

Getting my toes wet...

...with a little worship music in Texas.

The Hibbsy's attend Water's Edge Allen and must have been nearly harassing the worship leader and their friend Daniel about letting me sing long before my arrival. As much as I love them for speaking highly of my voice, I have relly enjoyed sitting back the last two weeks and watching the service. It's nice to not jump into everything at once. I have met my fair share of kind strangers and have definitely had my share of new experiences in the last two weeks. Thankfully, Daniel understood (without any sort of communication) and let me just enjoy a couple sundays without the stress involved of a new venture.

So, today, I sang with Water's Edge for the first time. I'm excited to say it was not even close to terrible and I will be singing with them again. This was the first time I have sang with strangers. I mean, I've spent some time with Daniel in the last two weeks socially, but worship is a weird thing. As much as I care about sounding good and being professional in my actions during rehearsal and the set, it's not about me and today when the nerves began there was a weird peace.

         It's just worship.

Thank goodness the church is forgiving of mistakes, because I definitely had my share this morning. Still, it's worship and all that really matters is that God helps me create a space in which others can come before him.

       Worship is not about me, at all. There is peace because it isn't about me. There is freedom.





After all, I truly believe The Lord wanted me to move to Texas to wrestle with what to do about my desire to sing in the first place. So, let the struggle begin... 

I also have to take a moment and thank the Driskells and Scott Loring for making me sing Hosanna a million times. My first thought when I saw that on the list for today was "Thank God, I'm singing my bread and butter song."

Exploring.

The texas sky is big, and my heart is full. 

This place feels like magic most days, and I know this is exactly where I am supposed to be. That has to be the best part. Every day I wake up and I'm amazed at how perfect this feels. I can say with complete confidence that I have never felt this happy in my entire life. I'm not saying it isn't hard because it is, I'm just saying this is right. I can feel it in my bones. I have met some amazing people, the genuine to the core kind of people.

My new job has been great and terrifying. People take their coffee seriously, and I still can't make a cappuccino to save my life. But, it will get easier and it has been a good time in the process. Still, I'm awaiting the day I can feel like I am not completely in the way.

The apartment could not be better. It is so close to everything. I have never lived so close to so many things in my entire life. I can be at Ikea, a handful of malls, work, and Target in fifteen minutes.
Still, my roommates have to be the second best part of this move. Audra and Josh have made the transition seem flawless, and I am insanely thankful for them. They have been generous with everything they have, especially their time. They have shown me the city, introduced me to fabulous people, and have made me feel right at home.


The Hibbsy's have a puppy, named Bailey. She is a bichon mix and the cuddliest pup in the world.
Look at how stinking cute she is. She snuggles nearly every morning after my roommates leave for work.

McKinney is a fabulous city. The downtown and the new town are equally fantastic. Aud and I spent an entire afternoon with Bailey discovering antique & book stores and even a salsa shop (where I purchased some delicious Amaretto Peanut Butter that is to die for). 

Between exploring and going through my entire wardrobe to find work appropriate clothing my room is still a complete disaster. When I get into a routine with work it will get better and I will be able to spend some quality time organizing the ridiculous amount of clothing I brought. Why I thought I would need my winter coat is still mystifying. Sometimes, I am a dunce. My nerves are beginning to settle and each day seems easier. 

It's crazy how much this place feels like home, and it's only been two weeks. 

Everything's bigger in Texas...

......especially my appetite.

You think I'm kidding, but there are so many new places and so many people to meet it seems like my entire time here has been spent around a different table in a different place meeting new faces and eating delicious food. This place is magical.

Here are a few new things I've been trying...
I promise later this week I'll post about ventures other than food, but for now...

In-N-Out

I'm not sure why these don't exist in Missouri, but they should. Holy smokes, it was delicious.

(Double Double with fries)

BJ's

 (Crispy Jalapeno Burger with wedge fries)

This place has already become a staple. We've been three times since I arrived. Each time I tried something different and have loved every single thing! Brew pubs are my favorite, by far. 

Pie Five

(Chicken Carbonara with Spinach)

Goodness, this has to be the best pizza I've had in America. The best, and worst, part is that it is right next to work and I go in to work right around dinner time most days. They have this "magic dust" which is basically herbs and parmesan mixed together and adding it to my pizza had to be the smartest thing I've done since leaving college. Ok, maybe that is exaggerating, but it was delicious and the perfect size. 

Starbucks

 

(Hazelnut Macchiato) 

I am no newb to Starbucks, but this is a brand new drink on the menu. Now that I work at a coffee shop I have tried to avoid Starbucks for as long as possible. Well, Sunday I gave in, and I headed to the nearest Starbucks. This is the tastiest beverage I've had in Texas. It tastes like home, and I think whenever I feel homesick (which hasn't happened yet in my 22 years, but is bound to sometime) I'll go hit up the bucks and drink away the sadness with espresso. 

Well kids, now I have to start organizing my closet and going through the ridiculous amount of clothes I brought. I'll post about new friends and new experiences later this week. 

Keep in touch, 

Love

Breaking News!

In the middle of this 16 hour work day I have some great news for you all!!



In keeping with the spirit of my resolutions I have decided to make one HUGE change in 2013.

I will be moving! That's right, I am finally moving out. And where to???

Dallas, Texas!!!! DALLAS, TEXAS!


This is a fantastic growing opportunity to move in with some great friends and pursue my passion. I've already found a job and a place to live. I'll be singing and songwriting alongside Audra Hibbs (Spain) and I will be living out a dream. I could not wait any longer to release the news! No worries kids, there will be plenty of opportunities to see my face before I leave. I'll be moving out at the beginning of March. I'm also planning some last minute KC goodness, so stay tuned.


Guys, it's been real. KC has been a fantastic place to grow up, and I cannot wait to continue in Dallas.

2013 Resolutions

Better late than never right? Well, I've been mulling over my resolutions for an entire week now and I'm more than ready to share this year's 7 resolutions.

1. I want to be more adventuresome. I want to go new places, eat new things, and meet new people. I've already tried vietnamese and thai food this year in the first week. 2013 is going to be a great year of adventure.

2. I want to save up enough money for a new Mac. My Macbook is biting the dust, one day at a time. Her screen and CD drive are broken, and it's just a matter of time before she dies and leaves me brokenhearted. I actually have enough saved to go buy a new mac now, but with all that's already planned for 2013 it would not be very responsible to drop $2000 on a new computer.

3. I want to get my conceal & carry, and own a pistol. I just signed up for my class and I am more than elated to attend and conquer the class. I know this is a controversial subject, but as a single woman who road trips long distances and attends many places alone I would feel much safer knowing how to use and carry a pistol.

4. Continue to read more, especially from my Bible. I've been slacking on taking me-time and time with the Lord. I never get a moments peace to sit and dwell with something to ponder. I miss that.

5. Make more music. Lots of plans are in the works for this one. I cannot wait to share more music with you this year.

6. Write more. I started writing a book, and I want to get a good chuck of it done.

7. Become healthier somehow. Run a 5k, eat a little better, drink less pop. Typical new years resolution  kind of things.