Rather Pointless thoughts..

I've had a lot of them lately.
They randomly pop in and out, just like it's the natural order of things...

such as..
-Once i go away to college, will I want to go back to Maywood.
it's not even a want.. anymore Maywood is becoming a hassle for me, it's like a home that i know so well it bores me. sure, I will always loyally attend Maywood, for certain things in my life, but will I ever be this involved. I am no longer on the praise team for Sunday mornings or wednesday evenings.. Will I wish that I was up there when I return, will I regret saying that I am done with this, probably, since I regret quitting a few years back. Maywood was my family, but family is tending to move away recently. Dan and Allison Foreman, gone. Woods family, gone. College buddies, all gone, moved away. Scott and Heidi Loring, leaving soon. I don't feel as if when i walk in those big doors i am comfy anymore, i feel awkward and nervous.. all the time.
There's too many memories in that building, too many laughs, tears, parties, weddings, and friendships.. but am I done with it all? am I ready and willing to leave it all behind, for something new? I have NO idea.. but it makes me think, a lot..
-College, I'm moving two and a half hours away.
to go to a school, that i've visited twice.. I know a few people there, but will I want to know them when i arrive, probably, but for right now I'm frustrated with the fact that I can't let loose and let go. I can't make new friends because I'm too shy or too something.. It's bothering me.
-I need to break out of my shell, or "caution bubble" as some put it.
I live in the rules, I dwell contently with rules, have my whole life. I live with the fact that if.. 100 people stole the same pack of gum from the same convieniance store at the same time, I'd be the one to get caught. If they didn't catch me, I'd probably turn myself in. Although my driving is rather illeagal most of the time, I tend to be paranoid with people who don't know that the stick attached to the wheel is for the BLINKERS.!
-I have friends, but they're all casual friends.
I don't have that one person that I can run to with EVERYTHING, like most people do. I have the group of close friends that I can go to for different things, but I bear a lot of my own weight these days. I like to hold things in, and bottle it up for safe keeping, i suppose. I have no interest in a love life, which some find odd, but it's just me.. I have people i can call when things go wrong, but i feel like i am more loyal than most of them.. or more willing to be loyal..
-I have days and nights all mixed up.
this is not going to help with the jet lag.... at all.. i sleep ridiculous hours, if any sometimes
-I need an escape.
maybe some sort of routine to a day would be nice, something like waking up and going to the gym.. something different than the hey.. i'm bored who should i call.... well they're busy. and they're out of town.. crap .. all my friends have plans with other people, guess i'll just chill alone.. i fly solo a lot.. i've even contimplated going to the movies alone, but the plan was spoiled when a friend randomly got bored and texted me... i depend on my cell phone and my internet for wayy too much. it's not just a communication that i use sparily, they are my only forms of communication a lot of the time.


and..
I miss people too easily, grief overwhelms me currently.. and I am driving myself up a wall.
My heart is always racing, and I hate that feeling.
I am mislead, I am finding my way, but am i on the right path?