Admitting my dreams to myself has proved to be a much larger battle than I anticipated. I have fiddled around with this since summer, and it's time to get it out there. In a late night conversation at a fancy QT I had to let go, and open up. For the first time ever, I had to tell someone what I really wanted in life. I had to trust that laughter and funny looks were not going to shoot my way upon the pouring out of a tiny bit of truth. It was extremely difficult, even a little painful. It still happened, and it became the first step of defining the battles within my heart.
As I look into the near future I see a lot of change coming my way. It's terrifying to do something that very few I know do. I want to do something I love, and that alone looks really foreign to those around me. In order to appease others and decrease my insanity on a daily basis I have to come up with some concrete goals as soon as possible. I have grown up in a family that values status, a good reputation, and a solid financial future more than taking a stand for Christ. Until recently I had little faith in myself and in the faith of those around me. My dad finally stepped up to the plate, and his faith is becoming evident. That tangible evidence is a huge change of pace, and it gives me hope. Telling my family my dreams is going to be a battle of it's own, so here it goes.
(I have always dreaded goal-setting, mostly because I find it stupid. I feel as if I never live up to the goals I set, or I ignore them. I never hit them just right. So here it is.)
My first goal is to admit to myself that I want to do something with music and ministry. It is what I love, hope for, and desire. I'm not sure what it looks like though. That is the most frustrating thing in my life because it is not concrete, not even a bit solid. I need to admit this to myself on a daily basis, and make it real. I need to trust that God will give me the strength to get through all of the obstacles that already exist and the ones I've yet to discover.
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