Longest Post EVER.

So, it's been a long while since I've blogged. Life has been different. It's been rather tricky lately. Making big girl decisions is never fun, and my life has been overwhelmed with stress for a couple weeks now due to a pretty big decision.

Here's the decision: I am leaving my home church. Easter Sunday was my last Sunday to attend.

I have been at my church since the womb. 21 years of activities, friendships, memories, but sadly that's pretty much it. Other than the missions trips and basic biblical knowledge I learned as a child/young adult I did not receive much spiritual growth. I grew when I was active in the youth department because I was surrounded by solid leaders and good teaching that pushed me to grow into the person I was before I left for college. I came into college with a good foundation, but, you see, my real growth has been in this past year or two.

My first year of college was pretty interesting. The first semester was pretty much rainbows, glitter, and new faces. The second, was pretty dark for the most part as I slipped into a large spell of depression. I had a great roommate though, who eventually got through to me and a wonderful God to thank for leading me out of that time. Even though I attended a private baptist college, I never grew there. I went to a couple different churches, and nothing really felt like home. I never felt welcome or saw myself learning much from any of them. The chapels required at school never caught my attention as a growing opportunity, I was mostly interested in the music that came through.

The second year of college was completely medicore. School was fine, new roommate was fine, but nothing was happening in my life. So after the second year I went to Europe for a two week tour with some friends. I told myself that while I was in Europe I would think about what was next for me. I would decide if I should stay at college or move home and finish up my associates. It took me one day in Europe to decide. One day away from everyone and everything to realize what I really wanted to do. I wanted to move home.
(I know it sounds bizarre that a 20 year old would want to move back in with her parents after two years)

So I moved home, and it took the entire summer to unpack and settle in. I began to work again at the law firm that I worked at over holiday breaks and summer. I signed up for a semester at the local community college in hopes that my associates would be complete soon.

Then, I hit a brick wall. What in the world was I going to do after my associates? What did I want to do with the rest of my life? Where was I headed? I had chosen to complete my associates with a focus on business, but I hate business. It bores me. It feels like useless facts and numbers to me most days. So obviously I was going to have to switch majors or something... then on a breezy evening I was hanging out with my friend Jared. He asked me a question, no one had ever really asked me what I wanted to do, I had just always asked myself and made a plan that would make whatever ears were listening happy. (Maybe I should say my dad has always said "find your passion and DO IT" but I never thought he'd accept mine, so I wanted to follow in his footsteps and be successful) I was embarrassed to tell him what I desired in life. After a few hours, some ice cream, and a trip to Walmart... he coaxed it out of me. I am so thankful he was persistent.

I want to sing. I want to use my voice for the Lord's kingdom. That is what I desire and have for the longest time. I never was able to admit it to myself or others until a few months ago, and have began to completely change my life for this journey to begin.


If you've read this ridiculously long story you might not see the changes I've gone through. Let me assure you, my heart has been continuously broken, and I am still TERRIFIED that nothing will come of this realization.
Part of this journey for me is becoming a part of a church body that feeds me. I'm not sure where that is, or what it looks like... all I know is that I haven't grown in Maywood for a long while, and it's time for me to leave it behind. It's time for me to shake the dust off my feet and keep moving forward. I was sad to leave my position on the worship team because I have enjoyed being a part of that ministry for many years, but I cannot continue to give my whole heart and not be fed in a congregation. I can study and learn on my own, and I do, but I need a group of people to help me out when I fail and right now I have more church in my friends' living rooms than I do any Sunday morning.

To my friends and family that are supporting my decision to leave, I thank you all very much.