Convictions.

Bear with me on this one.
I'm beginning to discover how vulnerable I need to be in order to approach this lingering conviction of mine.

The BIGGEST conviction is that I wrap my identity around the friendships that I have. There are a couple keys friends that I've had over the years that when I say this people would respond, "DUH, Cassie." Honestly, at 21, it's just now occurring to me who and what I wrap myself up in. I identify myself as being a solid friend, someone that anyone can run to and just pour their life out on. I like being that person. I like learning from the struggles and successes of others. It helps me direct my own life.

Currently I have one friend that I wrap most of my identity in. It's not something I'm proud of, and I have no idea how to address it (and currently am deciding whether or not to confront the situation head on, or bow out like a coward), but I'm learning. I am learning that Christ is sufficient. To be honest, I hate learning that lesson. The worst part is when another friend confronts me and I have to say "I know, but I don't want it to work like that." Lately I've found myself trying to just get by. I've based major life decisions on others and at times feel like I will never be successful or happy until my decision lines up with the life of another.

Maybe it all roots from loneliness. Probably so, being 21 and attending 13 (almost 14) weddings in a year puts a lot of stress on the "importance" of marriage and partnership. I don't really dream of a wedding anymore, I really dream of living life with someone. Weird? Probably.

Another conviction of mine is that I identify my own esteem in the words of others. I never really take compliments well and I don't search for words of affirmation(that's totally NOT my "love language") but I highly value the opinions of my close friends. I never believe that I can fulfill or that Christ can fulfill any dream of mine. I rely on the words and encouragement of others to direct my path. I hate admitting this, but whenever I ask someone for their opinion about 90% of the time I'm going to do what they say. I hate disappointing people. I just want everyone around me to be happy and to see my life and be able to say "Look, she's exactly what I thought she was." How weird is that? I'm discovering I really hate this part of myself and I am beginning to unravel the weirdness, that is my heart.


Last night, in an effort to straighten a few things out I let one of my friends speak truth into my life for a solid hour. At the end of that hour I was just beaten up, and now it's the day after and I'm clueless as to where my next move is. Knowing me, I'll probably just confront the situation head on by total accident.

So here's to the next days, weeks, months, years or however long it is until I unwrap my identity from others.