Should I stay, or should I go?

Well, hello dear friends. It has been quite awhile. 

Since my last post, I have avoided my blog as if it was the plague. I have, also, equally avoided my journal and solid, introspective alone time. I have wasted countless days focusing on my season of turmoil and doing absolutely nothing about it. (Alright, my moment of confession is over.)

Here it goes.  
       I finally decided to stay in Texas.

On the easy days I think about my KC friends about a million and one times. Although I miss them dearly (and it breaks my heart that they're moving forward with their lives), it would absolutely shatter me to leave the community I have here. Moving back to KC would be too easy, too comfortable, and I would still feel like I was starting all over again. 

Texas is a place I chose to be, even as halfheartedly as I did. And although my friends at home have been through it all with me (and I ache to be known that way again, someday), my Texas friend-family is learning about my obnoxious diva ways, weird insecurities, and past in a way that feels uncomfortable and awkward at best. However, I know that this is when God has always moved mountains in my life. This uncomfortable and uneasy feeling deep in my chest tells me that this is where God can really use me. These feelings have been present at the most pivotal moments of my life. They are the same feelings that have led me to the most wonderful gifts; to my best friends, my favorite memories, and most importantly to an ever changing growth in the grace and mercy of Christ. 

It is a completely indescribable mix of feelings. For your sake, I'll try to narrow it down to a few.
      It's a mix of wonderment, adventure, challenge, confidence, doubt, and absolute fear. 

Somehow, I know that this is the right place for me. I just know it. It's been placed on my heart and it's not going away. Yes, I rationalized moving here with the promise of new musical endeavors and a clean slate. No, it looks absolutely nothing like I imagined. 

It is so much better and so much harder. I am so thankful it is nothing like what I had planned.

My fears remain, and I'm still as stubborn as ever. I've not changed that much. But, this place is worth all the loneliness. I have nothing to lose here, and everything to gain. The people I've met and befriended have absolutely been the greatest part of the journey. I cannot begin to dote on them enough. In fact, I could rave about their support and willingness to handle my ridiculous amount of sass. It would break my heart to leave them, just like it broke my heart to leave KC. When it came down to it, I just couldn't bring myself to leave what I have.

This isn't my forever home, but neither is this earth. 
So maybe, for me, it's about learning to live this life wherever God puts me. 
After all, isn't that the goal?